Ano HITO to no Sora ga Suki
by Nijuu
Summary: Squalo contemplates his failure as Xanxus's partner. For the first time in a while, he experiences what it means to fall apart; a result he should've expected after falling in love with someone as dangerous as Xanxus.


_Ano HITO to no Sora ga Suki _I love the sky that he is under

Xanxus / Squalo story

Squalo's POV:

Sunlight was beaming in harsh streaks onto the floor that caught the light like a mirror. I cursed whoever did the floor-polishing around here under my breath. Sometimes it wasn't necessary to do such a good job. The curtains on the window were nothing more than a slate blue, semi-transparent veil that did nothing to shield my room from the omnipresent gleam.

As I looked across the empty space of the room, I couldn't find a single, errant speck of dust floating around. Another sign of overkill cleanliness. But the air was heavy and still, and the mansion was completely silent. It was unnerving, and it annoyed the hell out of me. What annoyed me more, though, was the paperwork I was sitting in front of. All four-hundered-and-something pages of it.

I finally got a view of the sleek glass surface of my desk as I swept the stacks and folders of papers to the floor. They hadn't all settled before I was out the door, and the room was a mess. I heard my door nearly slam off its hinges by the time I'd reached the base of the stairs, leaving disorder in my wake.

When the stress got to be too much, I would grab my sword, head outside, and virtually destroy anything in my path to blow off some steam. Then I would come back in and start the whole process over again, starting with that damned sunlight. (I would do my work at night, but I was usually too tired.)

One of the Varia henchmen made the mistake of crossing my path as I stormed across the wide room, and I just about knocked him into a useless yet decorative suit of armor against the wall. In fact, I did, and he managed to dismantle the entire piece with his clumsiness. I almost told him so, but I thought maybe he was unconscious. Everyone I saw after that got out of my way.

Except Bel.

He emerged from a room on my right as I started down the hall and we collided forcefully, him falling over, myself not. "Watch where you're going," we snapped simultaneously. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I extended a hand to him, and he grinned, accepting my help.

When he asked me where I was going, I told him I was hoping to take a walk outside. We discussed the paperwork a little, but my mind wasn't present in the conversation and Bel was trying to walk away and have a conversation at the same time, which didn't exactly work well for him. Running into Bel had actually calmed my nerves a bit, but I was still frustrated with all things currently mafia-related. The thought of going back to my room to clean up and deal with that chaos stayed on my mind.

I walked slower this time. I couldn't decide what I was more furious with: the work I had to deal with or my short temper for making business more complicated than it really was. As I added "indecisiveness" to my list of things to hate about my life, I passed by the slightly ajar door of my boss's room. Xanxus's ... room.

I don't remember anything funny happening, but I was smiling as I pushed the door open. Xanxus was probably as irritated with the damn files as I was, if not more. Taking a look into the atelier, I was proved wrong, shocked, and a little disappointed at the sight.

Xanxus was seated at the desk, a look of emotionless composure on his face. Piles of paper were on every corner of his desk and that same sunlight was pouring across the smooth floor like liquid. The room was quiet and clean, and he was staring down at a file with nothing short of complete focus. His eyes, without the aid of any glasses -for his vision was perfect, even after having been frozen for eight years- were also devoid of the usual contempt and resentment they held because of me or some other trash that aggravated him ceaselessly. The anger, the fury, the _wrath_ he was so famous for was obviously saved for more important stessors than paperwork; which in turn, made me feel like a childish fool for getting so impatient with my own work.

I hadn't quite gotten used to seeing him without his fearsome trenchcoat and varicolored feathers and fur ornaments, at least not since many years ago. The harrowing presence was gone and I was seeing a person I'd almost never seen before. This man usually meant business twenty-four seven, but he could be alright every now and then. I was rarely allowed to be around him in those times, or I ended up making it worse. "Xanxus," I said eventually.

"What." His answer was prompt, direct, and definitely not a question. Maybe all that hatred I _thought_ he was supressing was actually about to be unleashed on me. As always. He didn't look up or show any sign that he'd heard me besides probably the only syllable I would hear the whole time.

Naturally, I had no idea why I'd said his name like I wanted something, and I'd apparently been spacing out way longer than I thought. I couldn't afford to make him any angrier, so I said, "What're you doing?"

Perfect. Not only did I not care what he was doing, but I already knew. I wished he would just pull the guns out now and shoot me so I could leave without it being awkward. I closed my eyes and braced myself for either being pushed out and having the door slammed in my face (mild) or gunfire.

"Work," he returned instead. Another syllable. Now, is this the part where I say "'Kay, just wondering" and leave or did I have a better idea? When Xanxus shifted in his chair and exhaled in the most discreet form of an impatient sigh he could get away with, I relaxed a little. I walked over to his bookshelf, my gait slower than when I had been racing madly down the halls for no reason whatsoever.

"Yeah, I gave up on mine a while back," I let him know, smiling again at the thought of getting on his nerves. He ignored me.

Ridiculously large books with even larger words inside occupied his shelves and I flipped through one (if you call desperately trying to balance the book with one hand while turning the delicate, stuck together pages with the other "flipping"). "You read these?" I asked, partly for conversation, and partly out of honest curiousity.

"No," he replied just as honestly. After I'd set it back on the shelf, he continued, "But feel free."

I laughed shortly. "Yeah, right." He laughed, too, but it was just as terse as mine. I was turning around as he set his pen down and stood up. He still hadn't looked at me since I opened the door. Maybe he wanted me to leave.

Lately, Xanxus and I hadn't been getting along so well. It's not like we were fighting or mad at each other or having a lover's quarrel. He just weren't seeing eye to eye, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. --

I'd seen those kids around town. The ones on par with our skill as mafia figures, the ones constantly referred to by Xanxus as trash. It was all a game to those teenagers. With them, nothing was serious.

With them, Tsuna would share a water with Gokudera and the brat would silently celebrate the indirect kiss he'd shared with his boss. With them, Yamamoto would drape an arm around Hibari's shoulders and ask him about his day until the prefect brought his tonfa and threats into play, whereas Yamamoto would raise his hands in surrender and apologize with a clueless smile. With them, they could laugh and flirt and tease and joke and play, never worrying about anything.

With us, Xanxus wouldn't look at me or talk to me in complete sentences. There was no play, only work; only serious matters. I was jealous of those simple, happy little freaks that had everything I wanted from people I considered close to me. I closed my eyes again, but this time, not to prepare for something to come; rather to block out something I was afraid to face.

Sometimes the seriousness was overwhelming. But at the same time, I didn't know what we would do without it. Neither of us could joke around like we did, and the paperwork was an excuse, an alibi, so as not to be caught _not_ being serious.

Unlike them, who could be whoever they wanted to be at any time. I knew he was jealous of them (particularly that Sawada). They had everything they wanted, and in turn, everything _he _wanted. They didn't have to try hard to win. They always won. And if Xanxus could always win, and be whatever he wanted, and not need anything because he has everything already, he wouldn't be so bitter and serious.

But he doesn't have that luck. He doesn't have everything he needs like those damn spoiled brats. He does, however, have one thing; one thing he refuses to acknowledge under any circumstances, and that's me.

He doesn't know that he's not alone in this. Maybe he wants to be alone, or maybe he doesn't believe in "this", but as long as he's in that perpetual state of denial, I'll always be by his side. Why can't he see that? Why doesn't he understand that I don't care who he is around me, as long as he's not trying to be someone else?

Someone serious. Someone perfect. The Ninth's son or the Vongola's tenth boss. Xanxus doesn't need to be any of those because he wasn't supposed to be. The only person he needs to be is the leader of the Varia, a tactical mastermind who can harness a hell of a flame, a gunman who's survived the Zero Point Breakthrough twice. My best friend. Xanxus.

I could give him a lecture on character, and becoming the person you make yourself throughout your life. I could explain about equality and unconditional love and all that, but he wouldn't listen. He never listens, he never looks, and so he never understands.

Even now, as he's staring absently down at the courtyard outside his window (where I'd practiced several times), he's not looking at me. If I open my mouth now, he'll ignore me.

"Squalo." To my (probably very obvious) surprise, Xanxus is the first one to say anything after this long silence. "Don't you have something you could be doing right now?" he asked, quite rudely. I glared at him, but he kept his eyes focused on something outside the window.

"As a matter of fact, I don't," I answered, unconsciously crossing my arms. "I was just thinking about what we talked about last time I saw you." I grinned when I managed to descry Xanxus's flinch and his eyes grew cloudly and troubled.

"Well, think about it all you like. We don't have to talk about it." He angled his face farther from me, and I took a step forward.

"We do, actually. If we don't talk about it, it'll stay on my mind and it'll never be resolved." I didn't know where I was going with this. "I thought you didn't like unfinished business." Placing my hand on one of the stacks of paper, I added, "Because you know it all catches up to you after a while."

He moved his hand to his shoulder as if he was sore, but I knew he was just uncomfortable. I was getting through his icy resolve, and I didn't plan to back off until I got something out of him. "I still meant what I said." I didn't move. "If you expect me to apologize, forget it."

"Oh yeah?!" I could feel my temper rising and my hands started to shake in anger. If I said anything after that, he would think my pride had gone to my head and I was being stubborn for meaningless reasons. "Why don't you look at me when you say that?"

He shook his head. "Squalo, don't be so-"

"Look at me!" My voice had risen considerably, and Xanxus stopped talking. I'd finally said it, but it wasn't what I wanted to say. I didn't want him to look at me with empty eyes, appeasing my selfish and baseless demand. I wanted him to _see me_. I wanted him to look into me, but his eyes met mine, still cold and hollow.

Now he was watching me, waiting for an explanation. Problem was, I didn't have one.

I'd said all that. I'd thought of everything from who he was to how he wouldn't listen and I was right all the way. All I had to do now was unload on him. I had to tell him everything. But if there was one more thing I knew about Xanxus, it was that he was stubborn. Even if I said everything, what would it do.

So I left him with that. I turned on my heel with some form of a dramatic exclamation of hurt and unhappiness. Because that's what I was: hurt and unhappy.

My own best friend couldn't listen. And so he couldn't understand. He was my boss, and that's all he wanted to be. He didn't need a friend, and so he definitely didn't need...

I had to stop when I was about halfway down the hall. My chest hurt. I didn't hear Xanxus following me, which I knew I was secretly hoping he would. He was probably standing there with a blank look on his face, the words "Look at me" still hanging in the air. I would give him the rest of the afternoon to interpret those words.

So he definitely didn't need...

My lips were trembling by this point, and I had to raise an equally unstable hand to my mouth in case I made any noise. I could feel hot tears forming in the corners of my eyes, but I didn't know why the fuck it was happening to me! I never cried. I could no longer support my weight as I fell to my knees, just around the corner of Xanxus's hall.

A lover. That's what we'd talked about that night, and that's what he said he didn't need nor want from me.

I hated seeing him upset or sad or worried, and I always wanted to be there for him. He told me that kind of emotion would make me weak in battle and would bring me down. A lover could be used against someone as a weakness, and Xanxus refused to have any weaknesses. Especially one like me. "You're just like a woman," he'd said, shortly after my proposal and after he'd demolished the glass in his hand.

He was right. I was like a woman. Here I was, sitting in the hallway with tears streaming down my face; tears I couldn't even control. Just like my emotions, they were beyond my control and they would drag me down in my life. So why the hell did people fall in love in the first place?

Five or so minutes later, I felt like everything had leaked out of every part of my face. I wasn't used to crying, so I had no idea what to do. Someone would come looking for me and I was damn lucky none of the guards passed by me during that episode.

I looked like a wreck and wasn't about to go walking around. I could use my sleeve, but why would I do that? The carpet? No, that'd be difficult...

"Here." I literally froze at the sound of the voice; fortunately I was facing the wall at the time. One word wasn't enough to distinguish between voices, so I prayed that it wasn't Xanxus. I turned around slowly, and saw Bel looking down at me, holding out a handkercheif.

I didn't know what to think. He would either laugh in my face, laugh and go tell everyone, go tell everyone without laughing, or maybe just walk away. I took the cloth and quickly wiped my face, but when I looked up, he was still there. He didn't look amused, but one could never tell with him. I finally said, "What," and he walked off. From the way he was walking, he wasn't going to tell anyone or laugh. So what was he going to do?

Hell, he'll probably start crying, too, I thought to myself as I eventually stood. I wondered if he was still mad at me for running into him.

Running into him... Thinking about that got me thinking about something else and I soon arrived back at my office. My paperwork was still all over the floor, and I took a seat at my desk. I closed my eyes.

I realized that I wasn't frustrated with that shit that had been on my desk, I was annoyed that I hadn't apologized to Xanxus since that night. I couldn't concentrate because I was concerned about our relationship. I didn't get up and start running because I wanted to go outside and spar some more. I had been unknowingly weaving my way to his room, where I would stop, and say I was sorry. Bel probably knew the direction I was heading didn't lead to outside, which was probably why he didn't have a clue what I was doing to begin with. I was so keen on saying I was sorry that my body had been heading to his room, leaving my mind behind to pretend to be doing something else. I had planned to ask Xanxus to forgive me, ever since I left this desk.

And what had I done? I'd ruined my whole attempt. "Idiot" didn't even begin to describe. Earlier, I'd been hoping Xanxus would shoot me. Now, I was begging for it.

I stood and faced the large window. I got right next to it, as Xanxus had been in his office, and I looked down. If I jumped, I would die. It would be instant, unless, for some reason, I didn't land on my face. My hand cautiously moved to the glass of its own volition.

"Squalo."

I stopped. Xanxus's voice. My heart started beating faster, but I closed my eyes again. I felt myself smile, and soon I was laughing. Quietly. Xanxus had probably seen me, and now he was here to mock me. I deserved it, so I was going to let him.

Taking in a deep breath through my subtle laughter, I turned around and opened my eyes. But no one was there.

**Fin April 27, 2008**

A/N: Title came from lyrics from "I Hear You Everywhere" from the Chobits character CD, sung by Chii. The lyrics strike me as very Squalo Xanxus. Review please.


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